Elena Aguilar spent this LiveTalk on the conversations that keep going in circles: the partner who never seems to listen, the grandmother who hears every suggestion as criticism, the colleague who sits with her arms folded. Her starting point is simple and uncomfortable. Resistance needs two forces. One person protects, the other one pushes, and the pushback lives in the space between them. Drop your hand and what is left is not resistance. It is fear, sometimes grief, and a human need that feels threatened.
In the recording you will find the six core human needs behind almost every no, the Mind the Gap tool for checking six other explanations before you decide that someone simply does not want to cooperate, why changing behaviour alone never holds, and what to do the moment you catch yourself explaining the same thing for the third time. The live Q&A closes with Elena’s answer to one question: what to change before your next difficult conversation tomorrow morning.
In this video
A grandma who feels judged and pushes back on how you raise your child, or a colleague at school who won't go along with a change. Elena Aguilar's talk is for parents facing resistance in the family, and for teachers and school leaders facing it at work. It looks at the needs that can sit behind a no, and at how to tell whether someone can't change or doesn't want to. It also covers what to say when you've explained something ten times.
Chapters
- 0:00 Elena Aguilar on why she wrote a book about resistance
- 8:34 Pushback is often fear: the teacher she tried to break
- 14:17 Six core needs behind a no, like a grandma who feels judged
- 21:18 Listening for the need behind a grandma's pushback
- 25:22 When you've explained it ten times: pause and say so
- 28:15 Mind the gap: six reasons someone isn't doing what you ask
- 36:34 When someone truly doesn't want to: checking for a will gap
- 41:30 Why changing behavior doesn't stick without changing beliefs
- 45:29 Noticing your own push through thoughts, body and feelings
- 49:20 The grief behind a grandparent's or teacher's resistance
- 52:29 Coaching family without manipulating: ask if they're open
- 55:21 When they're just exhausted, and phrases for feedback
- 58:54 Before a hard talk, remember what you like about them
