Dr. Shefali took one question and stayed with it for almost half an hour, and it turned into the clearest map of a trigger I have heard her give. The behaviour is on the outside, your child really did laugh in your face or scream over the wrong cup. What she unpacks is why it lands the way it does, and why the part of you that cannot take it is not the adult you are today.
She then gives three reasons a child never actually intends to trigger you, what to do in the seconds before you explode, what to do after you have already yelled, and the difference between calming yourself and swallowing it. She also answers the question one of you sent in about a four year old copying his older sister, and she talks about her own daughter. Her one takeaway, if you only keep one thing from the hour, is short enough to remember at bedtime.
In this video
Dr Shefali opens by asking what triggers you most as a parent, and where those triggers come from. The talk is for parents of young children, with a short detour into the teenage years. It looks at what happens just before you yell, and how to repair afterward. Questions include a 4-year-old copying his sister and children who blame themselves, and it ends with Dr Shefali's own triggers.
Chapters
- 0:00 Welcome, and what triggers you most as a parent
- 3:12 Why triggers come from your past, and kids never mean it
- 9:53 What hormones do to teenage boys and girls
- 13:56 Why yelling never works, and noticing when you get triggered
- 18:38 Let childhood be play: less pressure and fewer activities
- 25:03 Steps to manage triggers, and when in doubt, say nothing
- 30:29 What happens before you yell, and how to repair afterwards
- 35:25 Calming down vs. holding it in, and family who still punish
- 39:44 A 4-year-old copying his sister, and kids blaming themselves
- 43:53 Dr. Shefali's own triggers, and the one thing to remember
